Reaching for the Heart
by elohimdancer319
Summary: Carby, but not too mushy. Takes place a little bit before the last season ended. Carter leaves, his relationship with Abby shattered, will that change when he comes home?
1. Reaching for the Heart

Reaching for the Heart

            I closed my eyes as Carter walked away from me. Now I had no one. The two most important men in my life with in the past couple of years would both be in the Congo shortly. I'm not quite sure what to do next. I headed to my apartment, stopping on the way to get some beer. I'm going to need it tonight. Walking through the door, I set down my bag and placed my keys on the table.    

            I popped open the first beer, savoring the taste. I'd been sober for a while, but had never forgotten the wonderful feeling of alcohol in the system. I went through my second, third, I lost count after that. I started feeling a little dizzy, and was quite ready to collapse somewhere when the doorbell rang.  I opened the door to find Carter standing there. God knows how I even made it over there; right now I was barely recognizing the two people in front of me.

            "What the hell happened to you Abby?"

            "I don't know. Maybe I had a few beers." I slurred.

            "Abby! You didn't! How many did you have?"

            "Dunno. I lost count at three…" I know what he's thinking. Who cares? I sure don't.

            "I think we better get you to bed, you aren't looking too sweet. " He started to move me towards the bedroom. "I hope you didn't drive like this." He said under his breath.

            "Only if you join me…" I tried to kiss him, but was a little off. He seemed surprised, but I was just starting. I wrapped my arms around his neck and started doing a little dance of my own. Kissing his neck, shoulder blades. 

            "Abby, you're going to bed. Without me in it. I don't know what the hell you think you're doing, but I'm sure adding me to the equation even more wouldn't help very much.  My flights in two hours, I don't have time to baby sit you." He forced me to relax. He lay down with me, tucking me in his arms like he used to, before his grandmother died, before that scene in the hospital. For now, all's right with the world. I closed my eyes and enjoyed it before a thought came to me.

            "John, what happened?"

            "What do you mean?"

            "To us." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

            "Too much stress, I don't know. But I do know that I will always cherish the times we had. We had the real thing there. It just kind of fell apart, life happened." He kissed me on the forehead just before I fell asleep. The next morning I woke up with the worst hangover. There was no one beside me but there was a note.

Dear Abby,

            I need to leave for my flight. I 'm leaving you this because I have a strange feeling we might never meet again. It's just a feeling I have( we both know how trustworthy my feelings are), but just in case. I want you to know that I will always love you. Things just didn't work out for us. Luka needs my help, and I know that's where I'm needed for now. I love you. Take care of yourself, even if only for me. That means no more episodes like tonight's.

Always,

John 

            By the name was a spot were there had been moisture. I came to that conclusion as the lines ran together. For his sake and mine, I hope his feeling is wrong. A tear made its way down my cheek and joined his on the paper. 'If there is a God, preserve him. He's all I have left.' I buried my head in my hands and just cried.


	2. Searching for the Soul

Searching for the Soul

            I looked at myself two weeks later in the mirror. My eyes were blood shot from little sleep and my hair was a mess from the constant onslaught of nightmares. I took the El to work. My whole shift was a blur. Everyone was concerned about me; there was nothing they could do to pull me out of my depression. Some one even called my brother and he came over. I wonder whose brilliant idea that was?

            Yet through all that, no one bothered to ask why I was in such a state of depression. They just assumed things. It's a miracle I never touched any alcohol. I promised John I wouldn't and I won't. That night I collapsed into bed, completely drained of all energy. For the first time in what felt like ages, I fell into an exhausted dreamless sleep. However when I woke up, I found myself lying next to someone. It couldn't be…

            "John? John, wake up." I shook him a bit.

            "What? I'm up, I'm up." In his sleepy state he banged the alarm clock, knocking it off the dresser while getting out of bed. He turned on the shower and walked in fully clothed in what used to be a business suit. I knocked on the door of the shower, starling John. He poked his head out.

            "Nice out fit." He looked down and started to laugh.

            "That's what I get for coming in so late. So sleep deprived I take a shower with my clothes on. It's all you're fault Abs." He pulled me in with him and kissed me.

            "I thought we ended our relationship. " I just asked the question for the sake of asking it. I was so happy that he was here in the flesh, alive. I swear I could have levitated.

            "So did I. But now that I'm here with you, I don't think I could live any other way." He kissed me again and we just stood there in the shower, sopping wet but so wrapped up in each other we couldn't have moved if we wanted to. Brown eyes stared into brown eyes and I realized how much we had both changed.  He had seen the horrors of war and the little rich boy had come home a man accustomed to pain. He had had lost so many people, but now he saw how truly lucky he was in spite of all he had been through. And I, the most selfish woman on the planet, had learned how to love and to give until all you have left is what will never go away.  


End file.
